Taking a Breather

I am exhausted. I seriously am. I am worn down, with always appeasing people and stuffs. Can't seem to fathom what I really want in this life. It feels like I just don't belong. Maybe it's the sorts of issues happening lately. School work and relationships. It's not that I am choosing to run away from reality and standing to be on this facade with a masquerade of ignorance on. Today's Tuesday's the 22nd. Every week when Tuesday arrives, every month when the 22nd approaches, it just reminds me of you. The fact that I've lost you, for good. I admit I'm a bloody loser, checking you out half the time. Do you know how much it hurts when everything is slowly taking its place? How suddenly things come dawning on me, fact that I was in retrospect, being used by you. The feeling of holding on to something momentarily, and then never ever gonna have it again. Never, period. It sucks. I don't know how you're getting on, but I'm going to conclude you're loving every minute of time now. I bury myself in work, and exhaustion. All in the hope that I could at least forget about things and then move on. But all I'm getting at the end of the day is the excruciating shit of pain that crushes all the hopes and dreams I've pinned on then. Just so you know, places that still have presence of you lingering, well I've been avoiding them. At times, I really do find you cruel and ruthless. I do thank you for the revelation brought on to me, but I'm still bitter at the way you ended things. How you never had the balls to meet me in the face and clear the air. Why lead me on and then end it abruptly? Above all these inflicted tumultuous torture I'm going through like a sick cycle routine, I still wanna let you know that I can't bring myself to hate you. Alas, all I'm hoping for is that courage to talk to you someday.
Digressing a little, O God do give me a break from school. With all the upcoming projects/presentations and nail biter deadlines, I swear I am going to collapse. I'd rather count down to the days I'm leaving for Europe than for the days to Exam. (Though both of the subjects starts with the letter 'E') Contemplating the good o' days, where I was still in diapers and the only thing I knew was to suck my thumb, wasn't it good like that. Why do we have to grow up and face this harsh world? Issues with studies, family and friends, I admit is something that I was never good at. If only life was like those drama scripts written out by script-writers, where our actions and lines are all already craved out, wouldn't that be good? Seriously, wouldn't that be good? In a dimension where you can anticipate the other character's thoughts and actions, in this world where everything has already been well-rehearsed, on the stage where you know you'll be applauded with the most magnificent and prolonged ovation. I really do dream.